This, just in…

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,  “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

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I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything…

So I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center… in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW :

1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a ‘tittle.’

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller ..

6. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster ‘s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as medicine.

16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange and purple.

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa ‘s lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white..

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart, “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too (not anymore), but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.”

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WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WOMAN’S REVENGE

“Cash, check, or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So. Do you always carry around a TV remote in your purse?”

“No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me and this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN  (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.  I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Bill

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