Observations on life

An Alabama State Trooper is patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a parked car, under the trees near the river, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. In the rear seat, filing her fingernails, is a very attractive young woman.

Puzzled by this situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window.

‘Uh, yes, Officer?’

The trooper asks: ‘Sir, is everything OK here?’

The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m just reading this magazine…’

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

‘And her, what is she doing?’

The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.’

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane … and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man?’

The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir.’

The trooper asks: ‘And her …. what’s her age?’

The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes….’

= = = = =

ONE –>

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I replied.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true…)

TWO –>

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

After the girl  had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’

I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE –>

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very  quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ‘ATM thingy.’

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR –>

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.

She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience  store) would have a battery to fit this?’

‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE –>

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was  none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX –>

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to  the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’

= = = =

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake you?”

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

= = = =

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

 

 

 

 

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