End of the month blahs

Well, shoot.  Here it is the last day of September.  The wife has had her birthday (27th), and I’m basically down to staggering around the house in a cold-induced coma.  Two weeks ago, I started with a sore throat.  This progressed (as it usually does) downwards into my chest and upwards into my brain.  No matter what I take, or what I do to stop this process, I still end up coughing myself silly.  It is especially bad at night when I lie on my back.  Within minutes, every sinus cavity in my head (you’ve seen those commercials with the pulsing yellow blotches all over a stylized head) draining down into my throat.

At the moment, I am taking Robitussin.  It seems to help, but makes me sweat.  I really meant sweat as opposed to perspire.  Perspire is something you do quietly and with as little fuss as you can; what I do is industrial sweating.

In the middle of all this, my computer started playing silly buggers and kept freezing on me.  I spent two complete days trying to find out what was causing it problem.  I tested RAM; I tested CPU; I tested video; I tested the power supply; heck, I tested the motherboard by pushing on it with a pencil eraser.  BINGO!  That’s where I found the fault.  Apparently, when my daughter was here and we were checking out some of her spare RAM modules, one of them got inserted screwy and slightly bent one of the hundreds of tiny little fingers that grab the RAM stick.  The only way you can see it is to look at it through my Official Sherlock Holmes Magnifying Glass – and then only under the brightest of light.  Why the RAM managed to test good is beyond me, because every time I just pressed the module a tiny bit – boom – Vista would crash to its knees; and that isn’t a pretty sight.

So, now I have a problem: my RAM consists of two modules: a 1GB module and a 2GB module.  If I try to have both of them operating, I get halts, bluescreens, and general tomfoolery.  Now I am down to the 2GB module in the undamaged slot.  According to my motherboard manufacturer (a gnome living in a swamp in Kuala Lumpur) it will support a 4GB module.  Now, if I can locate a 4GB module of PC2/6400 DIMM I’m in business again.  The computer runs on 2GB, but is fairly slow because sometimes it has to disk-swap.

Fall has descended on us with heavy feet; clumping down around town, smashing flowers and bashing trees so hard they turn red and yellow.  This I wouldn’t mind, except it also brought along cold days with a grey sky and drizzle.  I hate drizzle.  My truck does not have wipers that pause.  They are either ON or OFF.  That means, that unless I want to leave them on and drive myself nuts with the constant squeek squeek squeek of rubber on dry windows I have to leave them off and manually flip them on from time to time.  I judge that time as being when my nose gets pressed against the horn button and it bleats.

I had an occasion to try and utilize a voice-activated menuing system.  Most of the ones I have encountered will respond well to a carefully modulated voice that neither inflects any particular syllable or rises and falls in tone.  Sort of like the robotic voice that answers the phone when you call.  I have often wondered what would happen if two such systems were hooked together somehow.  Wouldn’t that be a hoot?  Each one telling the other “Did you mean…” and “I think you wanted…” Ad Infinitum.

Final thought:  How does one tell for sure when sour cream has gone, er, sour?

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Mergers & Acquisitions

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker.

3) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

9) Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTitty Bang Bang

= = = = = = = = = = =

Universal Laws:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t  don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.